Sunday, April 05, 2009
Pendulum
Sometimes I can feel I am getting happier and gradually experiencing the inner peace. But it's still a long and ongoing process, often a conscious battle.
Daisy says I have a good life- no hurry to get back to work, a lady of leisure. I wined and dined out a lot when I am bored or spend time at the massage parlour whenever I feel my well being is interrupted. My life is pretty much covered. The other night, she held out my palm and said my lines have decreased over the course of the years. Not so many zig zags, criss crosses; before, it was a maze.
True. I haven't got much anxiety these days. Somehow, I lack the fear to lead a minimalistic life. Nothing too fanciful- food, books and massage.
But still, I am pensive. That same shadow that makes my heart heavy and sad still lurking at the back of my mind. I can't make it go away.
Maybe one part of me don't want to.
Those thoughts tug at my heart. That split second experienced always unbearable. I feel the impending hot mistying up of tears. I bite my lips, swallow my saliva and say to myself, “Don't!.”
Sometimes I can feel I am getting happier and gradually experiencing the inner peace. But it's still a long and ongoing process, often a conscious battle.
Daisy says I have a good life- no hurry to get back to work, a lady of leisure. I wined and dined out a lot when I am bored or spend time at the massage parlour whenever I feel my well being is interrupted. My life is pretty much covered. The other night, she held out my palm and said my lines have decreased over the course of the years. Not so many zig zags, criss crosses; before, it was a maze.
True. I haven't got much anxiety these days. Somehow, I lack the fear to lead a minimalistic life. Nothing too fanciful- food, books and massage.
But still, I am pensive. That same shadow that makes my heart heavy and sad still lurking at the back of my mind. I can't make it go away.
Maybe one part of me don't want to.
Those thoughts tug at my heart. That split second experienced always unbearable. I feel the impending hot mistying up of tears. I bite my lips, swallow my saliva and say to myself, “Don't!.”
